Our baby.

One of my favourite picture.

He doesn't deserve all these from me at all. I have never been so nasty to a guy/man before.

I'm lost. Im really lost. I'm trying to hard to act like everything is alright.

Why is it so painful? Why am I even crying now? I chose it this way.

It's for him. His wife, his children. I shouldn't be so selfish anymore.

I will go through all this pain alone.

No matter how painful it is, for his sake.

It's barely half a year being with him.

So how much do I love him? I don't know how much do I love him.

But it's definitely more than my life. I love him more than my own life.

I don't know how many days am I gonna cry. I just love him so much I dont know why.

I'm feeling so hurt and lost now. Please take away the pain.

Why am I even doing this for the benefit of his wife?

I gain nothing, instead, I lost a man I love the most.

But I know, I am just another burden to him. I am no one at all.

All he cares about is his family, not me. So why am I clinging on him?

I should not be doing that even though I love him.

He have been different for the past few days. I know the reason..

So I should not make him so stress and give him more problems anymore.

I'm so hurt right now. He doesn't know that everything I do, is for him.

But everything he does, is for another person. He doesn't know how unhappy I am.

Even though I totally understand the situation. But I am human, a girl, a 16yr old little girl.

How am I able to take all this pain all by myself?

If only he knows how much I love him. I'm about to lose my mind. I am so unhapp,y I am so upset. Does he knows? I'm in so much pain everyday, does he know? No one knows. Including him, because all he cares about is HER. It was never me. I have to accept it.

I don't wanna quarrel with him anymore. I dont wanna quarrel with him about the same issue every single day. I wanna appreciate every single day with him. Appreciate the time he make for me. Appreciate him being beside me, be happy when he is with me. But instead, I add up to his burden and unhappiness daily. I don't want this to happen. I wanna be happy with him. I always wanna do that, but I am not capable of doing that. And the reason is because I care too much, I love too much. I don't wanna add on to his burden anymore, therefore I shall leave. Once I'm gone from his life, he will have lesser problems/stress. I hate to see him cry, I don't want to see him cry for me as I am not worth his tears at all. I am just a little girl giving problems. A little girl who cant do much.

Guess there are many things that we are not able to do now.

- convert.

- find a muslim name for me.

- celebrate your birthday with you and your mother.

- bring bubbles to the beach.

- do prayers with you.

- get married.

- have kids.

- find muslim names for our child.

- stay together.

- have 2 rabbits as pets.

- watch you slaughter a goat.

- go for the 'Hajj' thing.

I'm not lying or joking. I really wanna complete all this with you. Only you.

I will keep all the memories he left with me.

I hope he will be happy and at least remember me as a 16yr old girl who loves him deeply.

God bless him and his family.

I got to be strong now. Wipe away all these tears now.

He is not here anymore.

For instance, I love bubbles. I love her so much that I would bring her for a walk when I don't even enjoy perspiring. I bathe for her because I want her to be clean. I give her kisses and hugs every single day to show her that I love her even though I think she finds me irritating. I scold her because I want her to be good. But at the end of the day, I'll go back to her and hug her when she sleeps beside me because I love her. To me this is love.

Don't know why I'm stating this? The topic is love, today. I love my family, RenRuodan, my friends (including those who doesn't treat me as one) with all my heart.

And sky, he works from 1030am till 11pm everyday. But he still stays up late just to talk to me. Each time when we're on the web cam he will look so tired. But he still makes me happy, keeps me company and waits for me to go to bed. But at the end of the day, he knows that I am not gonna be with him because I am engaged. Maybe I sound childish here but yea.

That's it for tonight.. I'm tired. Please remember treasure every happy memory that life offers you every second. Cherish your loved ones because not everyone has a second chance. Chances slips by quickly unknowingly and you can't grab it by luck. Never allow any mistakes to make decisions for you when a hug could simply solve everything.. Goodnight loved ones.